The Joy of Azkaban
by ilfreitas
Summary: Sirius's been in Azkaban for 3 years, and he's tired of it! He wants to get out! The food sucks and there's lices and- what? Did that Dementor...talked? Is it... really laughing? Merlin, did it just make a pun? Not even his safe thought can keep him safe


Disclaimer: Harry Potter's rights? I'm afraid they're not mine.

**AN: **You can read this individually, but it probably will make a lot more senseif you read **The Joy of a Dementor** first. So, or you already read it, please, enjoy this one-shot; or you haven't and should click on the link to my profile and read it before this one. You can read it after this one too, but it's up to you.

Oh, and don't get fooled by the first lines, this is _Humour_, not Depressed Sirius In Depression!

**The Joy of Azkaban**

Sirius looked up from his sitting position on the floor to the window that stood way higher that he could reach without a wand.

Three years.

He had been locked in that Hell for three bloody years, and he was sick of it.

He's only consolation was that that night wasn't a full moon.

Why didn't anyone realise he was innocent already? He was tired of waiting! ...Maybe he should write a letter to the Ministry, or to Moony...would the Dementor let him if he asked nicely? He probably still could make those puppy eyes that no one resisted...

He was interrupted from his thoughts with the itchy feeling in his hair. He scratched his head madly (not that _he_ was mad, mind you), feeling relief and more need to scratch.

He didn't stop when the sudden cold alert him to the presence of a guard. After all, no Dementor could affect his sanity, he had his safe-thought.

"Hey, you're Sirius Black, right?"

He stopped scratching and looked at the Dementor.

A Dementor had just spoken to him.

He didn't know Dementors could talk. And he lived in the middle of them for three bloody years!

"Did you just talk?" he asked hoarsely, not used to talk himself for a while.

"I sure did! Dementors _do_ have a mouth, we just don't use it like that, you know?"

Sirius saw the _nudge nudge_ and could only imagine the _wink wink_ that should have been made too if the creature had eyes.

"Did you just make an innuendo..?" he asked terrified.

"Wow, sorry, didn't know you were a prune..." the Dementor held his hands in the air.

"I'm Sirius Black! I'm no prune!"

"Hey, it's alright, Siri – I can call you Siri, can't I, Siri? – I'm a virgin myself, it's kinda hard to get anything with my kind. Cold shoulders, we are." He paused and then laughed "Did you get it? _C_o_ld?_"

Sirius could only gap while the Dementor kept laughing.

"..You laugh too..."

"Of course I do!" the Dementor pulled down his hood so Sirius could see his smile and relax, but his face only scared even more the Not Crazy At All prisoner.

"I didn't know you could...uh, Dementor."

"Oh, sorry, didn't introduce m'self, now did I? The name's Stuart, pleased to meet ya." Stuart pushed his hand forward for a handshake, but Sirius only stared at him from his corner.

"I didn't know you had names either!" he said horrified now.

"..Why shouldn't we? What should we call each others then?" Stuart seemed to frown. "Oh, sorry, so, I'm the new guy. Auntie Madeline got me and cousin Josh a way in, so we can earn some money for the family. Someone told me you were the only sane human 'round here, so I volunteered to bring your meals!"

Sirius blinked as he saw him lift the hand he had behind his back and show a plate with...food? Stuff? Garbage? Floor?

He didn't know.

"Here you have, Siri!" Stuart opened the small passage for the food and put it on the ground of the cell. "Hope ya like your food!"

Sirius stared at the plate.

"Food? _Food_? The only thing that gets to eat _food_ around here are those damn lice everyone has!" he scratched his head again.

"Yeah, you have them too? Then don't get too close to me, mate, I still haven't caught them. Pain in the head, right?" he said. He paused. And then laughed "Did you get it? _Pain in the head_? Because the expression is pain in the arse, but the lice are in your head, so..."

And he continued to laugh, bended himself and slapped his hand on his knee.

Sirius glared between Stuart and the plate.

"..I would have laughed if I didn't feel so bloody depressed."

"Oh yeah, we Dementors kind of ruin the mood, don't we?" he said and laughed again "_Ruin the mood?_ Because we take every happy little thought from you..."

"Yeah, I got the pun." Sirius mumbled.

"This place is really full of messed up people...hey, did you saw that guy in the end of the hall? Peter? He lost his whole left side while fighting some Moody guy. Peter is all right now. Ahah, did you..? All right? 'Cause he lost his left..."

He kept laughing for a little while.

"Now, seriously – ahah, _siriusly!_ – tell me what you think of the food, 'cause cousin Josh made it. He's the new cook."

Gulping under the Dementor's gaze (could Dementors gaze? Sirius didn't exactly know what Dementors did and didn't do anymore...), Sirius grabbed the plate and pulled it next to him.

He made a hook with two fingers and used it as a spoon to lift some of that sticky, grey _thing_. He didn't know if it was solid or liquid and, hoping he wasn't eating anyone's memory, he put it in his mouth and sucked his fingers.

He chewed it for a while.

Then he swallowed it.

"So? What do you think?" Stuart asked.

"It's...not...bad..." he said in a surprised tone.

Then he grabbed the plate and ate the _food thing_ like an animal.

...It wasn't as if he didn't have manners, but he was _really really hungry_.

"Really? Is it that good? Awesome! Josh's gonna be so happy! Ah, they told Josh to make crappy food, but he said '_I'm not gonna sell myself for the job! Food is art! Food is pleasure! Food is_-'"

"Grey shit that could be used as glue?" Sirius suggested.

Stuart stopped laughing and stared at him. With no eyes, which really freaked Sirius out.

"You know what? You're alright!*" he laughed again "Well, you would be if you weren't here. ... did you get it? Because you're in Azkaban and this place sucks!"

"Ooh, I got that extra one!" Sirius pointed at him with his fingers dripping that weird food "Because you suck the prisoners' memories and souls!"

"I knew it was a good idea to talk to you!" Stuart laughed again "Hey, do you know what prisoners' favourite punctuation marks is?"

"No?" Sirius went along.

"It's the period. It ends their sentences!" he laughed again.

"Stuart Jones!" another Dementor appeared behind him "Didn't I tell you not to talk with the prisoners?"

"Auntie Madeline!" Stuart turned around.

"I told you, these are dangerous people! They're all criminals! What would I tell your mother if someone hurt you?" she scowled at him with her hands on her hips.

"Sorry, Auntie Madeline." Stuart looked down to where his feet should be in he didn't float and actually walked.

"Were you telling jokes again? You know you're not allowed to do that! Especially to him!" she pointed to Sirius, who was too shocked to be offended "He killed thirteen people, besides three of his best friends!"

"But he's the only one sane enough to hear my jokes!" Stuart whined.

"Sane or not, he's going to be a bad influence on you!"

"Influence? If anyone influences here it's me! ... Did you get it? Because we make him cold and sad..."

"Again with this? That's it, you go help your cousin in the kitchen!" she grabbed him by what Sirius presumed to be his ear and pulled him down the corridor, with Stuart whining the whole way.

Stuart turned around, mouthed '_I'll see you tomorrow, Siri!_' and waved at him.

For that moment on, Dementors started to affect Sirius's sanity. At least one did.

00000

*** - **_**'**__You know what? You're alright!'_** – it's a quote from **_**Me and My Dick**_** and **_**A Very Potter Sequel**_** (in the second is a joke referring to the first, even if in the Youtube video no one laughed xD) Anyway, they're both from Starkid.**

**I was going home from my friend's house on other day when I wondered what would be like if Sirius had met Stuart in Azkaban.**

**Here's the result xD**

**Gaaawd, you have no idea how long this has been open in my pc, I can't stop this feeling that **_**something**_** is missing, but I have no idea what.**

**Seriously – **_**ah, siriusly!**_** – I give up x.x I just hope you like it.**


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